My very first book club:
Watering relationship gardens…
Panchinko is the very first novel my book club (Books on 5th) chose. The street I live on is my dream community - we have neighbours who organize street bbqs, holiday festivities, support each other’s children’s fundraisers, organize garage sales, gift the missing ingredient to the recipe you’re halfway through making, etc. Since pandemic, like many, I have become very comfortable in my solitude. Whereas before, if I didn’t get out at least once during the day, the day was ruined. Now, since pandemic, I have to force myself to get out. I could comfortably stay at home, seeing no one but those I live with, for four days straight. I am aware and now, am ready for a new surge of growth! I come in with a new intention, pushing me uncomfortably and awkwardly towards my preferred existence - surrounded by family, friends, and an active community.
When I saw an invite through WhatsApp to join Books on 5th, I took the bull by the horns and said yes. I hadn’t read a whole novel since last summer. I wasn’t sure where I would find the time. I said yes, despite all the flimsy protests in my mind. I was only halfway through the book by the time we met! I was not alone in this and my neighbours were gracious. We had in depth conversations about themes, very little spoiler alerts, but above all - that sweet community juice to fill my cup.
I heard psychologist Guy Winch in an interview once state that when one is lonely, it behooves us to initiate contact with others - despite feeling this as completely unfair when we are feeling so low. The toddler in me does not want to make the first move! However, I’m fortunate to be surrounded by parents on my block who simply took the first step to invite the toddler in me out to play - I’m so happy I did. We’ve already chosen the next book.
What is the book about?
Pachinko is the second novel by Harlem-based author and journalist Min Jin Lee. Published in 2017, Pachinko is an epic historical fiction novel following a Korean family who immigrates to Japan.
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing [EMDR] Therapy
What is EMDR therapy?
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an extensively researched, effective psychotherapy method proven to help people recover from trauma and other distressing life experiences, including PTSD, anxiety, depression, and panic disorders.
How is EMDR therapy different from other therapies?
EMDR therapy does not require talking in detail about the distressing issue or completing homework between sessions. EMDR therapy, rather than focusing on changing the emotions, thoughts, or behaviors resulting from the distressing issue, allows the brain to resume its natural healing process.
EMDR therapy is designed to resolve unprocessed traumatic memories in the brain. For many clients, EMDR therapy can be completed in fewer sessions than other psychotherapies.
- EMDRIA : EMDR International Association
How to ADHD by Jessica
I often research resources that clients may find helpful in their mental health experience and journey. I use an informal vetting process for resources I share, often involving conversations with numerous clients and friends who have been diagnosed, in this case with ADHD. This YouTuber was often described as painting an accurate picture the internal experience of people living with ADHD.
Jessica posts new videos with tips, tricks and insights into the ADHD brain on a weekly basis. She describes her channel as her ADHD toolbox - a place to keep all the strategies she’s learned about having and living with ADHD. It's also grown into an amazing community of brains (and hearts!) who support and help each other. Anyone looking to learn more about ADHD is welcome here! (text from her site)
You Mean I’m Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! by Kate Kelly & Peggy Ramundo
Recently, I have been working with a lot more clients who have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) in adulthood. There is often a reflection on childhood, youth, and adulthood that comes with this type of diagnosis. All of a sudden, people can understand their experience as neurodivergent. These discoveries often require an emotional and mental meandering, attempting to understand lived experience in a different context. All of a sudden, dynamics in grade school make sense; a person’s relationship to money is understood differently; workplace challenges are viewed differently, etc.
I have come to conceptualize ADD as a lens through which people experience the world - this lens could impact every aspect of life: finances, career, intimate relationships, friendships, family relationships, addiction patterns, etc. Though research is ongoing and evolving, I recently came across this book which I found incredibly accessible in its format and also extremely informative. Authors Kate Kelly and Peggy Ramundo are diagnosed with ADD and have incorporated their ADDer lens throughout this book, including its layout with shorter paragraphs and multiple sections broken up by images or pictures. For anyone suspecting they may have ADD or anyone who has a close friend/family member whom they are trying to understand more compassionately, I encourage you to read this book.
For brief symptom tests for adults, please see below:
Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want To Come: One Introvert's Year of Saying Yes by Jessica Pan
Mary Hynes, host of Tapestry (CBC Radio's weekly guide through the messy business of being human) explores with Jessica Pan her lived experience as an introvert pushing out of her comfort zone. The interview is enriching on many levels, but what caught my attention most was the discussion around surface talk and deep talk.
Jessica describes learning of this concept in a course entitled How to Be Sociable. If you listen at minute 10:39 of the interview, you will learn about the concept of surface talk and deep talk - and how this distinction in the quality of our conversations with others can reflect the strength of our connection with people. In short, meaningful connections require deep talk - it cannot be accomplished through surface talk alone.
Surface talk, as the name implies, would be conversations about the sports scores, weather, world news, the latest Netflix show. Whereas deep talk would be conversations about fears, feelings, and vulnerabilities. An ice breaker activity that Jessica did in the course How to Be Sociable that exemplifies this difference between surface and deep is Vulnerability Tennis.
It is a simple game consisting of taking turns sharing something meaningful about yourself. The other person hears it, does not comment on your statement, nor can they say the same statement. The other person simply responds with a statement of themselves. In Jessica’s experience with Vulnerability Tennis, examples of statements shared included: I have not seen my parents in 10 months and I don’t miss them - I feel this makes me a bad person; my parents think I’m doing fine, but I’m not sure what I’m doing with my life and am afraid to tell them; I feel inferior to my wife because she earns considerably more than me; I am afraid I will never make enough money to pay my taxes, etc.
Though allowing onself to be vulnerable can be terrifying, Jessica describes the game as having made her feel safer to share more as they were both being so frank with one another. The irony that in swimming in vulnerability we can grow more confident is a powerful concept to me.
Irvin D. Yalom, MD
American existential psychiatrist and emeritus Professor of Psychiatry at Stanford University, Irvin Yalom, offers readers his perspective on the dynamic work between client and therapist in this 5th edition of The Gift of Therapy.
It is written in a very accessible format and I would encourage people contemplating seeing a counsellor for the first time to read it if they want a clearer picture of what therapeutic work may look like. As a practitioner, it is an opportunity to reexamine and reassess my professional approach, strategies, and foundational theories.
What I appreciate most about Yalom’s work with this book is his generosity of spirit - drawing the curtain on client/therapist work. It is a transparent approach that in my view further feeds informed consent, allowing all to enter into a counselling relationship eyes wide open.
The Ezra Klein Show
Ezra Klein is an American journalist, political analyst, New York Times columnist, and the host of The Ezra Klein Show podcast. In his most recent podcast episode entitled That Anxiety You’re Feeling? It’s A Habit You Can Unlearn, Ezra Klein speaks with Jud Brewer (Associate Professor of Psychiatry at Brown University and Director of Research and Innovation at the Mindfulness Center) and offers listeners a very different way of examining anxiety and worry.
The themes I found most exciting included: as body and mind are one, effective strategies for managing anxiety include reconnecting thought with sensations in the physical body; worry and anxiety can become feedback loops whereby we draw an unepected brain satisfaction from worrying; and what it is to cognitively acknowledge a concept versus evoking the physical emotional sensation in conjunction with our mind.
A succint example of feedback loop offered by Professor Jud Brewer: a parent waiting up late into the night worried about their teenage child who borrowed the car to meet friends. The worrying stops when the child finally walks safely through the door. Though the parent’s worry in no way increases the teenager’s chances of a safe return, it feels better to us to worry, rather than not worry.
Brené on FFTS
I love pragmatic tips and strategies that may help clients navigate life challenges and Brené Brown does not disappoint in this regard in a past episode of her podcast Unlocking Us.
Brené on FFTS (F#%*ing First Times) outlines the very real stress we often feel when experiencing something for the first time – the first heartbreak, the first job loss, the first child, the first marriage, etc. This episode is a wonderful listen where Brown outlines a three-pronged approach to mitigating stressful experiences when living something for the first time: normalize the experience – this is often how new things feel; gain perspective – this feeling is not permanent, and it does not mean I suck at everything; and check expectations – this is going to suck for a while. I appreciate Brown’s focus not being on suppressing the uncomfortable, but rather on strengthening ourselves to navigate it.
The Sum of Us: What Racism Costs Everyone and How We Can Prosper Together
Ezra Klein’s podcast, The Ezra Klein Show, interviews author Heather McGhee on her recent book The Sum of Us: What Racism Costs Everyone and How We Can Prosper Together. It is a rich and insightful interview where McGhee outlines how racist narrative influences us society-wide: how we understand the world; how we navigate it; and how unequal and unjust systems are influenced by unchecked narratives. It strikes me as a book that may prompt in readers a deeper reflection on unchecked biases and beliefs and how these biases may insidiously creep into our career work, community, and personal life. I look forward to reading it.
Being Mortal
Well, if I’m able to eat chocolate ice cream and watch football on TV, then I’m willing to stay alive. I’m willing to go through a lot of pain if I have a shot at that.
- Atul Gawande, 2014, p. 183
Author Atul Gawande outlines historical and cultural changes to how society experiences and approaches mortality within the context of modern medicine. It is an eye-opening read prompting reflection and encouraging the reader to have what many would consider difficult conversations with ourselves and those we love. The book is written in an accessible format that leaves readers with a straightforward and practical framework to support us through end-of-life experiences and conversation. This particular quote struck me as so beautiful in it’s simplicity: it was borne out of a conversation an adult child had with their father while trying to better understand what medical interventions her father was willing to consent to as his disease progressed.
Where Should We Begin? With Esther Perel
Where Should We Begin is a podcast that brings the listener into the therapist’s room as she counsels real couples who anonymously share their lived experience and life challenges. As a counsellor, I am always drawn to seeing and learning from other professionals’ work and approach. As a woman in my 20th year with my spouse, I was enthralled and moved by similarities we share as humans in more intimate relationships. I was able to relate to others’ experiences, while also appreciating the spouse’s point of view - often identifying closely with different aspects of both people in the relationship. A wonderful moment of reflection both professionally and personally speaking.